Previous Post
Tweet about this on TwitterShare on TumblrPin on PinterestShare on LinkedInShare on Google+Email this to someoneShare on Facebook
Read on Mobile

I’m A Broker. You’re A Broker. Go Fu*k Yourself! Caution: Language And Reality.

large_8179647863

This may be a true story.

Oh, and your clients are probably reading this.

Reaching for the phone he hesitates just a brief minute to clear his head. This is going to be an important call. Need to focus. Need to be on game. ” Hello, yes hello, yes this is Jack.”

Thirty minutes up the 405 and east the other end of the line is briefly quiet. ” Yes, Jack this is David from New West Commercial.

” David well how are you, great to hear from you.” (it’s about motherfucking time.)

” Hey, I couldn’t be better. (as if you really give a fuck.) How about you and how’s the family? (whats left of it you drunken whore chaser.)

” Couldn’t be better all good. ( you condescending bible thumping prick.) ”

” Great great so where are we on this Markum deal? ( as if it hasn’t taken two months of pathetic child like negotiation with your sorry ass.)

” Well Jack I just met with the principles yesterday and we are all ready and excited to get to the table.(after we squeeze your small balls a little tighter)

” Great to hear. (for the one hundredth time) Is there anything that I need to do on my end (which is every fucking thing already) to get a date set?

” Jack I can’t really think of anything off the top of my head. (me stopping the due diligence comes to mind) but I need to go thru the contract one more time to make sure we are set.”

” I thought we already had approvals on all documents and a preliminary date set. ( you piece of shit.)

” Yea, yea Jack this is nothing. It’s just me being thorough and making sure my client is confident with the deal.” ( if the fucking principles son stays out-of-the-way I may still have a chance to get this done.)

” David do we want to confirm the closing date?” I have it in my calendar. (and have had for two months.)

” Sure Jack let’s confirm and copy everyone via email.” ( I need to push my client to the table.)

” Ok David I will send it this morning.” (and wait for you to come up with some stupid ass excuse to break it.)

” Great, you have everyone’s address? I would appreciate that. ( Mr. fucking technology)

” Yes, David ( the computer is not just for porn and an Ashley Madison account) let’s catch up tomorrow.

” Sure that’s great Jack. Talk to you tomorrow. (for no fucking reason what so ever.)

” Talk to you tomorrow David thanks goodbye.” (oh fuck.)

The phone rings again and he reaches into his pocket trying to keep an eye on the road. The 405 as usual is packed with traffic. “David great to hear from you thanks for returning my call. ( two fucking days later) Are we any further down the road on this deal?”

” Well, Jack yes and no. We have found a little problem.”

” A problem? What kind of problem?” ( you fucker)

” We are a little concerned about the environmental package we received. ( you asshole you know what I am talking about.)

” David, I am not sure what we are talking about…can you hear me David I think my reception is weak?”

” Jack I can hear you perfectly. ( you prick) We need to step back and look at this deal again. We are going to look at incurring some additional costs.”

” Not sure I heard that completely David. ( you fucker) Do we need to meet face to face and talk about this?” (you fucker)

” Sent me an email invite and let’s do lunch tomorrow.” (and pick up a fucking tab for once)

” Ok, yea I think I got that I will send an invite.” ( you prick)

He hits the button and places his phone back into his pocket, lets out a sigh and says to no one in particular “Fuck!”

Walking into the restaurant the sun is very bright and hot, it feels good to get inside. He looks out on the patio and sees David.

Pulling out a chair David looks up extends his hand and flashes a smile. “Great to see you Jack. How’s your day been so far?”

” Couldn’t be better David nice to see you. Have you ordered?”

” No I just got here myself. Do you want a little afternoon drink? (you tight ass)

” No, I think I will pass ( you’re probably three in already) I have some after work functions to attend.”

The waitress picks up the menus smiles and walks away.

” Well David where are we today? What can I do to help you?”

” Well Jack there is no way to put this but I think this environmental thing may just kill this deal.”

” David you and your people have had that package in front of you for almost two months and not a single word. What could have come up all of the sudden?”

” Jack I am not suggesting this just came up a couple of days ago. We have been in a due diligence period. That’s exactly what we have been doing.”

” So whatever this issue is you want to kill the deal over it right?”

” I said it may be a deal killer”

” Well, David I talked to my people and we are ready to walk away. We don’t have confidence in your people making this happen at this point.

” Jack you were all but sitting at the closing table. Do you really want to walk away?”

” The question David is what do you want to do?”

” Well Jack I want to make this deal happen.’

” And what’s that going to take David?” ( you motherfucker)

” We have talked about the possible future liability and what that might cost.”

” So you have a number in mind?’ ( you motherfucker)

” I think we can assure a closing if we can agree to a number.” (where in the hell is the waitress I am thirsty)

” So it’s just a number?” ( you motherfucker)

” If it’s this number.” He slides over a piece of paper.

Jack shakes his head. “No way I can go back and get that done.”

David leans over and writes another number.

Jacks looks again.” If I send that paperwork over in an hour, we close when?”

I will confirm with my people and it can be Monday at 10:00 a.m.

” David I think we have a deal”

” Jack I know we have a deal.”

David reaches out to shake Jacks hand. “Jack I enjoy doing business with you.  Let’s do this again soon.” ( and Go Fuck Yourself )

Jack squeezes firm and looks David in the eye ” Yes, let’s do this again sometime.” ( and Go Fuck Yourself )

 

 

Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/dskley/8179647863/

 

Next Post

Written by

  • BobSchecter

    Nice one Dukie boy. 30 or 40 years ago, Boomer that I am, I would have scoffed at such a broker for living a life of quiet desperation. Now, I’m pretty sure I know him, he’s not so desperate, he’s just one broken straw away from going postal – as are we all these day. Wouldn’t have it any other fuckin’ way.

  • @JohnOrrCCIM

    I’ve got one deal with David and three with David. I’ll let you know how they turn out.

  • Jess

    That was an excellent dose of laughter! Thx.

  • Benjamin Bach

    I think I know that guy

  • Gabriel Gonzalez

    Ha, this was about as honest a blog post about the CRE world as I have read in a long time. Great post.

  • Jack Intrator

    Fucklng Great Article! Reality! Now imagine working with a Franchisor and presenting locations through Costar and even and LOI, so he damn well knows he got the site through you and then another franchisee makes the deal at this location and the Franchisor doesn’t tell you. Now that is a Mother Fucker!

  • Well said Bob!

  • Duke, this is 5 stars (the max) on the LMFAO scale. I’m reading it as I’m waiting to drop my daughter off and she said, “Dad, what’s so funny?”

    I replied, “Everything.”

    As a practicing attorney, this is way too applicable for my trade.

    On a serious note, if people would just be honest, business could get done much faster. Then again, we would not have your great commentary to read.